and now...right now i just feel ****...grumpy..guilty..silly... regretting things i said felt and did and thought about situations , other people , some in particular...hating myself for blaming others..thinking it is up to me to judge..feeling the pain i caused and still cause to others ...and again feeling even more guilty about feeling this way, while the Course and all other holy teachings tell me other things about myself..and i choose not to believe that right now...feeling stupid that i want to share this with you ..putting all my shit again on you instead of taking responsability for it by cleaning up the mess by asking truly for help...i must be liking this or at least admit i am doing this to myself...right now i feel like hiding under a big lump of blankets waiting for better times...guess i just have to feel what i feel..i am so sorry for feeling so sorry about myself..
He was teaching ( what else? hahaha) and I sat so close to him I could nearly kiss him on the cheek... he then pushed me away in a very subtle way...as to say...don ' t you lean on me...stand in your own Light.
The next moment I was part of a circle of people...all bodies doing a sort of dance together...then I suddenly remembered...did I really want to see all those bodies separate and outside me...was there not more to wish for?
God surely is my only goal... I am not a body and so is no-one else...and I felt the freedom only God can give.
After that I woke up.
Thank you Master Teacher, thank you all my mighty companions who play this so often very strange dance called life with me, acting out all these different roles I gave to you.......
